Reading, Midsummer to Lughnasadh 2011

Last night I did a couple of readings. It's been a crazy-busy June, and though I intended to do more meditation and grounding, that really didn't happen. I have done a lot more exercise, and have been eating reasonably, considering everything; but the travel and business have taken its toll. You can tell, because I'm doing this midsummer centering about two weeks late. :-)

I asked two main questions:

HEALTH

How can I achieve optimum health?

5 of Vajras | The Sun | Karma / Justice

5 Vajras.The healer, one who heals, ability to heal.

The Sun.Union of conscious and subconscious; bringing the subconscious to light; dispelling illusions.

Karma / Justice.
Freedom; break with the past; also, at one with divine law & justice. Right action that is earned and deserved.

I wasn't clear on this (of course), so I meditated. Basically, the meaning is this: the healer (5 Vajras) is the body itself. The conscious/subconscious union (the Sun) is learning to hear the body and respond as a single organism. The right action, the divine law (Karma) is the action and law of the body itself.

The MeditationIn meditation, I met a goddess; she identified herself only as the "Goddess of the Body". She had tight, curly, ruddy-brown hair, wore a toga, and had black eyes with star-specks, like Apollo. I met her by an open pool, edged with marble; I had a sense that there was a forest of some kind behind me -- the Forest of Branching Paths, I think. She took a large clay pitcher and kindly gave me a drink from the pool (nb: I was thirsty). The pool was connected to a bunch of others in a rough representation of the body, or at least a spinal column. Water flowed from one pool to another down a gently sloping hill. At the top of the hill was a temple of sorts, with a throne for the goddess, open to the air; there were many birds throughout. Not sure where this 'fits' in my internal landscape; more later, doubtless. She seemed friendly, but a little impatient with my inability to connect with her strongly.

In other words, I need a tighter connection with my body's messages, and it will tell me what I need. In particular, I need to ask the body what I should eat, RELEASING ALL EXPECTATION -- otherwise I'll color it with expectation or desire and drown it out. There should be no pressure to eat what I 'should' eat, or what I 'shouldn't' eat; just let it be what it is.

I think the 'releasing expectation' thing is the key; and focusing on the Goddess's face may help me out here, too. That seems to help me focus and 'hear' the body. But I'll need to try it, practice it, to see how it goes.

Another note here: I think it's most important to keep track of what I'm eating on average. When my average raw % climbs up into the 60-70% range, that's when I start losing weight.

WORK / LIFE

Tell me about work / life balance, and advice for the coming weeks (ie between now and Lughnasadh).

Garuda (Animal of Double Vajras) | The Fool | The Sun

I had no idea what this was about -- except that the Garuda appeared before when I was working on setting boundaries, so it was great that it returned to help me again. I dipped into meditation immediately.

The Garuda I returned to the Garuda's eyrie, and he led me up on past it along the staircase up the World Tree. To my surprise, we went just a bit further and the stairway petered out and faded away. Going beyond this point, he said, you have to fly (ie relying on another spirit generally in my case, or merging with Apollonian energy in some way) or build the staircase (which requires extraordinary focus on a particular goal). This is

The Fool...Launching yourself without a goal in mind, or without a firm grounded center, leaves you without a staircase. The Garuda said that when scheduling, or setting boundaries in life (whether in time or in personal relationships) it's important not to build fences, but to create centers. The edges will take care of themselves if you make the centers solid. So instead of saying "I'll work on the novel between 830 and 1030", say, "I'll center my novel work around 930." And instead of saying, "no", you focus your activities on what's important, and the other matters will fit around them -- or not.

The SunThe Garuda flew me up into the branches of the World Tree to visit some of the worlds there. We came to the 'higher' world I think is associated with my fiction writing career, and I realized that the reason I can never see things 'properly' up there is that I'm short -- I'm literally a child.

I don't think I've described this 'world' in detail before, except to mention it briefly here. Basically it's a whole 'nother landscape at a 'higher vibration' than the old one; it's usually very misty, and the colors less vivid. Also, as I mentioned, it's harder to 'see' things; and I have less freedom of movement. It makes sense that I am a 'child' here -- I can't see the tops of things or around them without a lot of work, and there are some areas I simply can't go at all.

There are two areas here I've explored. One is the Delta area, which I've described before. If I get on a boat on the sea here, I'll arrive at the second area. This is a wooded region (pine trees I think mostly, with a forest floor coated with pine needles -- I think it's influenced by the area around my grandparents house in Norwood) inhabited by beings I think of as 'elves', with slate-white robes; some are bearded, some have long white or blond hair; they are kindly, and they care for me. They have a home, or complex of homes, here in the trees, which are much like the house at Rivendell in the movie LotR. A perfect place for relaxing and recuperating; and I get a sense that part of my spirit spends a fair bit of time here, doing just that. There are rooms with cozy fires, and somewhere in it I have a small bedroom where they often tend to me...

By the lake, the complex of homes has a dock or pier area, made of marble. I do not know if vessels ever visit here.

Beyond the forest is an open meadow (again, a lot like Norwood) with a complex 'henge' of large white stones. It is definitely astrological in pattern. In the center of it is a tall white stone, which I think has carvings on it -- though the mists are always thick here, and I can never visit without my tall white guardians. The tall white stone is directly 'above' Apollo's temple below.

Beyond that, I can't see much of the landscape. I get the impression of forests and mountains beyond the meadow in the direction of Air, and away towards Fire I think there are bona fide deserts, perhaps with tall stony towers like one finds in the American southwest, but I'm not sure. I know it is a region of horse somehow.

Thoughts at the Angel Oak

Some random thoughts I had while walking around and under the Oak today:

• Most trees are a tall trunk, from which spread the branches in a halo. The human body is much the same. Slightly different theme for most animals: a horizontal trunk, supported by multiple limbs. Human architecture tends to follow the animal form, oddly enough. Exceptions include Fuller's house, and the yurt.
• The Angel Oak has multiple support points, like an animal; but the overwhelming impression is more like an atom or an amoeba, with a central pillar that branches in all directions.
• Time. Time is measured in changes. Something that changes little... time moves more slowly. The Oak moves slowly compared to humans, but it still loses and regains its leaves each year (in the spring); it is not changeless. Humans tend to come and go quickly, rather than lingering under it.
• It is a sculpture carved by gravity, light, air, time, and the forest around it. The branches curve and twist in unexpected ways, echoes of obstacles the tree once faced, now long-gone. For some reason, it hasn't grown to the east. Maybe there was a building there, or another large tree, now vanished?
• The tree has grown to become an axis mundi. It exerts its influence on the land all round it, physically and spiritually, so that it echoes the oak; and the oak reflects the land all round it, too. Of course, this is true of all things; it is only our manners of seeing that pick out axes mundi.

Reading, Beltane to Midsummer 2011

What advice do you have for Jeff between now and the Solstice?

Alison did this reading for me:
Judgement | Hanged Man | Page of Pentacles

Judgement

A call to new beginnings, restoration and wholeness, absolution and forgiveness. New life arising from death, a time of joy and rebirth. The trials and tribulations have passed and you are called, by destiny or a greater purpose, into renewed life in the light of a new dawn. Also, a time to reflect on the past and understand how the actions of yesterday have helped to shape today.

Hanged Man

Self-sacrifice, especially for the greater good. A time of release and surrender, letting go of the effort and will normally exerted towards concrete or practical accomplishments; instead, withdrawing into solitude, contemplation or more mystic/"spiritual" pursuits. "Turning the world upside down" to gain new perspective. This may be a period of difficulty - it depends on how willing or unwilling the sacrifice is.

Page of Pentacles

Opportunities for new growth and prosperity, a spark of initiative and potential offered. Grounded in earthy qualities like diligence, responsibility and practicality - relying on the tools and resources at hand - there is still a certain lightness and playfulness that accompanies every new beginning or intriguing opportunity. Also suggests an enjoyment of physical pleasures of the five senses, possibly in particular an engagement in nature (perhaps a literal garden?).

The Story

The energy of the cards doesn't seem to have one clear direction. The Angel of Judgement faces to the left to sound her call, but both the Hanged Man and the Page seem to face forward or out of the card (though the Hanged Man's body is turned to face towards the right, his head hangs down so that he's looking almost behind him). Considering the association of the Judgement card with the events of the past and the Page of Pentacles being associated with new opportunities, there is some indication that the energies should be read from left to right like a simple past-present-future spread. In this case, Judgement might be strongly indicative of the transformation and new life of spring (associated so strongly with Beltaine, especially with the undertones of death and "breaking free"). The Page of Pentacles might be associated closely in time with the Solstice, then - perhaps in a very literal way, as a time when your activities and projects are "bearing fruit" in the form of new opportunities or potential being realized… but in a way that still demands continued steady work and commitment in a very practical, grounded way. In the meantime, there's a suggestion, by the Hanged Man, of acceptance or surrender, perhaps a period of rest and release, turning inward to seek the inner wisdom of spirit… or perhaps simply in preparation for the work to come, in order to gain some new perspective or insight that might be useful for taking full advantage of those future opportunities when they arise.

My Commentary

This echoes a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling the past few days. I feel like I need to retreat a little, find my bearings and my touchstone. To that end I've decided to join DOTR and work on their aspirant path for a while. I also feel strongly called to get back into exercise, and commit more firmly to eating better. None of this is particularly creative or groundbreaking work; it's more about stepping back and shoring up the foundation, making sure I know where the ground is, so that I have a place to stand.

Guides and Planets, Temptations, Hermits, and a Cup

I did an exercise in which I tried to pair my spirit guides with the planets, and came up with this:

• Odin: Mercury, possibly Saturn?
• Bison: Earth, possibly Saturn? (Note: association between Bison & Odin, too.)
• Dragon: Jupiter
• Apollo, Great Bear: Sun
• Buddha: Outer Planets
• Anima/Bel: Moon, Venus (and Sun?)
• Cernunnos: Mars

Interestingly, I had trouble placing Saturn. And I wonder if I should get a 'fetish' for Carnunnos? I have one for all the others (except technically Apollo, although theoretically someone is making us some symbols...)

I have an idea to ask a guide for their 'big message' once per night for the next six nights. Something I could perhaps repeat on a weekly basis.

I then decided to do two readings, one for Odin and one for the Anima. In both cases I did the reading last night, and the meditation this morning.

Odin

2 of Double-Vajras <- Mara -> The Middle Path (Temperance)

A tricky reading! Odin is shooting for the deeper lesson, since I already know he wants me to work on Mere America more. My first guess at this deeper lesson is this: fear can lead to two errors: dividing your time between too many projects, and trying to moderate and temporize your writing habits too much. Writing is something that you cultivate with daily practice, but when the inspiration starts flowing, you don't cut it off. Ok, and I think the plan I'm hatching (to work on different projects based on the moon phase) is a good shot at that.

The meditation: I spoke with the Old Man of the Delta; we sat on the top of his little tower and watched lights in the sky. His message essentially was: Don't allow your fear of not finishing the book interfere with your spiritual connection when writing & revising & marketing it. It WILL happen, in its time. Relax and allow it to do so.

Anima

9 Vajras <- Hermit -> Ace of Double-Vajras

Fascinating -- this is almost exactly the same reading as I got about a month ago, which led (in meditation) to associating the Hermit in the tower with the Old Man of the Delta. The Ace of Double Vajras is different (it was originally the Father). Interesting, since I'm specifically asking my Anima, not Odin, who I normally associate with the Hermit.

In meditation, I spoke with the Hermit in the Garden of the Anima. He showed, just as before, how allowing myself to try and bear the weight of the world would only lead to age and death. Instead, I need to let the gods bear the weight. The Ace of Double Vajras (Ace of Cups) was a huge chalice of water I drank from, and I felt the deep connection and love flowing between all of us there in the garden.

The Garuda

I was doing a reading on relationships -- specifically with Emily, since she threw an email-fit this evening -- and setting boundaries. She asked me to do her a big favor, trying to downplay the size of the favor in her email; I refused (reasonably, I thought); she got snippy. Alison advised me not to answer again, or try to argue, or justify my position: I was in the right and I should simply act that way. I felt she was right. In doing the meditation, I felt called to think about what I really wanted from relationships in the future. Messages in the past have indicated that I have been too accommodating, self-esteem too low.

Cards:

Garuda of Double Vajras -> 10 Jewels (Cock) -> 9 Lotus (Sacrifice)

The Garuda is an animal guide of healing, destroying evil monsters and the like. The double vajras are water, but the Garuda is obviously a creature of the air. ... The 10 of Jewels is about the 'cockiness' or greed that comes from material satiety; and the Sacrifice is cutting away something that is of value.

In meditation, I felt drawn to the Forest of the Horned God. At the base of the World Tree, wooden steps rose in a spiral around the trunk and ended at a sort of tree house poised right above the tallest branches of the surrounding forest. The tree house -- the residence of the Garuda -- was semicircular, rather like one of those huge flat fungi you see growing out of the sides of trees. Structurally it was basically a big semicircular porch with a wooden home in the center of it. I didn't see much of the house (though it seemed to echo Odin's World Tree home in some ways -- wood and glass and brass, elegance and comfort, airiness. The porch appeared to be of some kind of stone, decorated with precious metals and stones in some kind of astrological pattern, like an astro chart carved into the porch.

The Garuda was tall and dressed elegantly in red, and looked like a man with vaguely animal features -- a beaklike nose, deep eyes, and a sense of profound comfort in his own skin. He offered me tea (a nod to the watery associations of the Double Vajra, he said). I asked him about my issues, and he said that as I get closer to my ideals of life and profession (10 Jewels), my relationships will change profoundly; and I'm going to have to give some of them up (9 Lotus). As in today's fracas, it's going to be a matter of me not acting the way I used to, and that rubbing some people the wrong way. There's going to be uncertainty about the right thing to do. But there is always a source of guidance: the Earth -- and in particular, calas, stone. He reminded me that when I first got the question from Emily about the favor, I immediately felt like it would be wrong to say yes. I wanted to help her, I wanted to help Fiona, but these desires were operating against my intuition. This intuition is my rock, my connection with the Earth.

When Mara cried to the Buddha and said, "What gives you the right? Who are you to claim this mantle of enlightenment?" the Buddha touched the Earth, his mother, and the Earth spoke up for him. In the same way, if I keep one hand on the Earth, I will not go wrong, even if my universe of friends is upended.

Novelist and Linguist

For this evening's meditation (April 4th), I wanted to know what I could do to make sure my two careers were on track. I have no strong ambitions for my linguist career right now, other than to make sure I continue to give Yap everything they need in the fastest and best way I can. I have a vague sense that my career track with Yap isn't all that secure -- after all, as a linguist I've been laid off twice now -- so I'm trying to ramp up the novelist career in the background, so that it will be there when / if I need it.

So tonight I did two readings & meditations:

The Novelist.

Where does it need to go? How can it get there?...

I feel definitely called to work on Mere America, and yet the sales are quite stubbornly failing to go anywhere -- it's not unrolling effortlessly. What needs to happen?...

I know how it feels when things unroll effortlessly. It happened with Alison. I've got so much stuff going on in the sky now, all this energy -- and I feel like perhaps I'm blocking it or something.

Reading:
9 of Vajras <- Hermit -> The Father (Heirophant)

In this deck, the Hermit is 2 figures, the Old Man and the Monk. The Old Man looks & comments towards the 9 Vaj, and the Monk towards the Heirophant.

9 Vajras (swords) is traditionally a nasty card, the dark night of the soul, the despair that comes from loss of all hope. The Old Man leans that way. I'm not sure what part of myself that represents, unless it's the part that is afraid to quit my job, or afraid that I will never be a successful author. I'll meditate there. The 9 vajras in this deck is a snake eating the sun and moon, which may echo the 'eclipse' imagery I got back in Feb.

Meanwhile the Monk is looking towards the Father. The feeling I get here is that the Father energy is something I'm very comfortable with, that I have no problem bringing to bear on the problem. Witness for example the email I wrote to KL this evening, in which I gave her 'fatherly' advice about her writing services. The question then is exactly what the Monk is up to. ...It seems like I might get to visit the Hermit again in meditation. :-)

So that's what I did. I returned to his tower in the Forest of Branching Paths (which I'd first visited last summer, when I was working on that whole 'deserving success' issue), and he introduced me to the old man first. The old man was old because his energy was spent moving from task to task, never setting his burden down or allowing the gods to carry it for a while. It ran him to age and thus to dust. Definitely a warning. :-) The alternative: the monk (who was a young man, dressed in red, with black eyes dotted with stars), who has infinite strength because the gods do his heavy lifting. It's a matter, he said, of taking the time to rest, recharge, and allow the gods space to work.

He showed me a doorway that led to a room where sunlight was falling from high, high above. This room was at the bottom of a tall tower. All up the sides of the tower spiraled a wooden staircase, and I started climbing it. I climbed forever and ever... Flying wasn't going to work. At last I arrived at the last place I expected -- the top of the tower mentioned in this meditation, the Man of the Delta. Everything was pretty much the same there, but now I understood it to be a very 'high vibration' place, at the same level as some of the other landscapes I've been visiting recently (more on that another time). My sense was that I should visit this area more often, and work with the two men here (who I now understand to be reflexes of the "two" hermits in the tower below).

My big take-away is to allow the father energy, Apollo's energy, to work through me. With rest, exercise, and meditation, the energy will flow and everything will unfold the way it should.

MAN I feel so much better after doing that!!

The Linguist.

Then I did the meditation on Yap. I expected the readings to be related, so I did nothing to wash the older energies away, but went directly to the new reading.

Buddha of Double Vajras <- 1st Sermon -> 5 Jewels

The pictures give an impression of the discerning teacher between two options -- the Buddha of Double Vajras, which is a watery father figure that I often instantiate, and the 5 Jewels, which I take to be myself dragged down by stress and toxins (as usually happens after a research conference). Yap's greatest purpose is for me to help people with my watery goodness, which I take to be linguistics here, while not allowing it to drag me down. The 1st Sermon (in which we talk about release from attachment and the 8fold path) helps us out here. It's a matter of discipline, but more deeply, a matter of breathing life / spirit into the work.

In meditation on this I was pulled immediately to the Bear's temple, which I felt moved to relocate: I realized that the place it was planted was basically unhealthy, and had too much rot and disease in the forest around it. Not sure what can be done to fix that, but in any case I felt a better place for the temple was directly over the Bear's original cave, on the grassy sward! So now the bear has her own temple right over her home. An excellent place to go and feel the Bear's energy there. Again, rather than getting action steps, by connecting with the energy I felt that the direction would be shown when the time comes. I just need to connect more. I can instantiate the Bear (especially in its fertile / protective aspect) for Yap by maintaining my connection to Spirit, and acting as Yap's connection when necessary.

As a result of these, I was definitely inspired to work on regularizing my daily schedule and doing more exercise and consistent sleep and meditation.

Dieting and Chakras

My meditations and readings for the past few days have been focused primarily on my dieting. As of today (March 7), I've lost 4 pounds, 2.5% fat, and 7 inches, and am 18% towards my goals (about 3% behind schedule). It's been relatively successful overall, but two things stick out:

1) I have all kinds of trouble actually sticking to a fully raw vegan diet. I've been about 60% raw vegan overall, but there's still at least one meal every day where I have something cooked or fatty.

2) I tend to get stuck at certain weights, and can't push past. I know what to do to push through -- sticking more strongly to raw, or exercising, will work every time. But I can't summon the willpower to do that, even for the one or two days it'll take to make the breakthrough.

However, I think I have a conceptual breakthrough here, based on these readings I've done. Here are my notes:

March 5:

Bison is the guide here.
The Empress, the Star, the King of Pentacles
(Yasodhara, the Chakras, the Buddha of Jewels)

Flow of energy *appears* to be towards the center, although it seems possible that the Star is blocking energy moving from the Empress towards the Buddha of Jewels.

I'm having a very tricky time with this reading, showing that there IS a major blockage or illusion of some sort here. If it's a central destination pattern, then perhaps... perhaps it's telling me I need to give gifts to... the star? does it represent my body here? I'm looking more and more at the kundalini / snake image in the Chakra card, and thinking more about energy blockages. Is it a matter of using Yasodhara and Buddha / Jewels energies to break the blockage, wherever / whatever it is?

Running seems to help with the blockage, slightly. Yoga does, too, but even less. Long hikes, lots of time outside, that really helps a lot. Getting fired up creatively, that helps to. Relaxing, getting lots of sleep. What does this tell me about where the blockage is, ultimately?...

Hrrrrrrrmmmmppphhh.

Ok, I'm opening it up. NINE more cards to give me more insight here. What is the Empress? What is the Star? What is the King of Jewels here???

EMPRESS:
Buddha of 2xVajras; two of lotuses; 8 of lotuses. Reading here clearly has to do with merging of energies, a central destination. From the left comes the King of Cups, which is basically my emotional core, generosity and watery mutability; from the right comes the harvesting of growth; they meet in the middle with two jugs being poured into a cauldron. So the Empress is my emotional and practical fecundity and generosity.

STAR
The Dakini of Vajras dances between Mara on the left and the 3 of 2xVajras on the right. The Dakini here is my mind trying to solve this issue, I think; she's quite the dancer, and tries to use reason to separate Mara from... What? Teaching, especially effortless teaching. perhaps this is teachers like Tim Ferriss and the 811 people -- teachers my mind puts faith in, tries to escape Mara by running to them.

Hmm.

BUDDHA OF JEWELS

The Fool, the Mother, 7 Lotus. Energy flow is definitely from right to left, but the Fool is facing the direction of the flow. 7 Lotus is anger, and the dispersal of anger.

??

March 6

Beginning to think this is related to my 2nd chakra (variously said to be ruled by Pluto & Jupiter & Mars), which is somehow blocking energy from above? and my 3rd chakra is picking up the slack and so I have weight gain there.

If it's the 2nd chakra, then this is one prescription I found online:

HEALING STRATEGY: Movement therapy, emotional release, inner childe work, boundary work, assign healthy pleasures, develop sensate intelligence

AFFIRMATIONS:

I accept and acknowledge my sexuality. My physical health is strong and pure.

I deserve pleasure in my life.

I absorb information from my feelings.

Life is pleasurable.

I move easily and effortlessly.


This seems related to the sensual and sensate messages of the Empress and the Buddha of Jewels.

Something about increasing *fluidity* in that area?

How does this relate to the stuff I pulled up on the Star: Mara, Dakini Vajras, and 3 2xvaj?

Fool -- elephant -- remembering

Thinking on those three cards again... Perhaps something to do with moving away from 'fear' and towards curiosity or a positive goal. The best teacher is the teacher-by-example; the teacher who IS what he's teaching, and therefore teaching is effortless. Think more on what your goal is, then: focus on who you want to be, not what foods you should or should not be eating.

This advice, perhaps, reflects the meditaiton this morning in which the Mother figure talked about the false dichotomy between who I am and what I eat!

Sooo -- focus more on who you want to be. ?? Hm.

March 7

Now beginning to think this is most powerfully related to *grounding*.

My weight issues began to really take off when I started spending less and less time outside, and more and more time with cerebral friends playing games.

The times I've lost weight most successfully have been times when I spent hours outside each day, either jogging or walking to and from classes.

Looking back, it seems to me that the times I've been able to keep to diets most are times when I've spent a lot of time outside. The theory would be that eating actually *helps* *me* *ground*, by literally physically consuming part of the earth. So...

Upshot

The big take-away here is grounding. If I take my time to rest during the day, meditate regularly, and especially to ground myself in my body, I can much more easily resist the urges to eat heavier foods. Yoga, bare feet, stimulation of the feet, walking and jogging... All these things help tremendously.